I had the dream last night, again... It pops up a handful of times throughout the year. It's a less desirable one. Not like the one where I'm flying down a mountainside on a skinny tired bike and then just become weightless and float the rest of the way... Nope. Nothing like that one.
No, no, this one is the one where I wake confused and disoriented. This is the one where I wake trying to see if my surroundings are familiar. It is the one that leaves me hesitant, almost cringing, to open my eyes fearful of what may be- what I might have to deal with- who I may have hurt. I wake trying to put the pieces together of a blurry evening. My stomach twists from the guilt and disappointment in myself. Something that I have experienced quite a few times.... Sometimes the pieces of the prior evening come back quickly and some of those times not so much-
Even now.. even today... after 4 years of sobriety... it still feels so real. I guess that shouldn't surprise me... I had those experiences for decades... and now after 4 years I just expect them to go away? What does surprise me is how real it still feels- even though it was just a dream these days.. What does surprise me is how once I figure out it was just another dream that the physical effects associated with my blurry evening just disappear, that they too were just all in my head. It is a powerful sickness...
Today... as I put the pieces of that sometimes wild dream back together to realize it was only just that... a dream. I am sober this morning. I have made good decisions last night not to drink. 1,461- That's how many good decisions I have made consecutively. Nothing is guaranteed in this life and each one of those is a precious gift.
I do recall that first year, year and a half. It was awkward, I was awkward. There were moments where I didn't know what to do with my hands because I wasn't holding a beverage at social gatherings. I can share that it has gotten a lot better. I have found my stride in environments that I use to struggle in. I'm still awkward thought...
If you think you may have a problem with alcohol, or may be considering just taking a break, I want you to know there are people willing to help. I am thankful for the people who have helped me along this crazy journey.
Bigger Than The Trail is a 501(c)(3) tax exempt organization that is using trail running as a platform to advocate for mental health. Our mission is to enrich the lives of individuals struggling with mental health. Bigger Than The Trail has partnered with some amazing organizations to offer free online counseling. These services allow you 24hr access to licensed counselors via text or video. You can get support when you need it at no cost. Please consider these services if you are wanting a change, or even considering a change.
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